New

January 2nd, 2019 - filed under: The Farm » Family

IMG_8664


I’ve been trying to write this post — in my head at least, I haven’t quit made it to the “opening the computer” stage — for almost the entire month of December. Sometimes the words just won’t come.

But! I’ve been doing a lot of magic around the Winter Solstice, the full moon, and the New Year, and now, clutching my trusty Scolecite (my official stone of 2019 — it opens the heart, ushers in transformation, and facilitates communication), I think I’m finally ready to sit down and write.

I was planning to say goodbye. Like, officially and forever.

2018 was such an incredible year for me! I feel like 2018 was really hard for almost everyone around me both in real life and online, and hard on the world in general. But in my own little universe, 2018 was hands-down the best year I’ve had in as long as I can remember. This is the year I really stepped back from all the extra stressors (including, for the most part, blogging). I worked on myself a lot and I grew a fucking ton this year. And after an amazing trip to Belize in August, I completely rearranged my priorities. Since then I’ve been parenting better than I ever have before, and my relationship with Waits has grown and deepened in the most beautiful ways. And about a month after I got back from Belize, I got the job! Officially and permanently! I now have a career that supports me financially as well as intellectually and emotionally, and I’m still coming to terms with how totally cool that is. I am so grateful. This year I also reconnected to my corest group of friends, and strengthened my magical practice. My soul feels nourished. I love my life!

And so, I’d thought, maybe its time to let go of blogging for good. This January 28th, 2019, I’ll celebrate 10 years of blogging. And I think that’s got a pretty nice symmetry to it.

Buuuuut then. Then! I did the thing that I always do when I’m contemplating quitting the blog. I started reading back through my own archives. I read about our family Spring Break desert road trip adventure this past year (and remembered that I’ve still never shared the pictures and stories from our day of mining for crystals). And I read about when I got my Masters degree and all I could think to do was go to the great salts flats in Death Valley, to sit in the wind and wonder. I found this absolutely adorable story, about Waits and a popsicle, that I had completely forgotten about. And I read about when I was really, seriously depressed, but at least could find flower fields and a little bit of perspective, at least for a day.

I thought about how much has changed, and how extremely, immensely grateful I am that I have all these thoughts and photos gathered here, so that I can revisit them, and remember.

I thought about future-Waits reading these posts someday, and having that window into his early life, through his mother’s eyes. I thought about, and always think about, how much I wish I had something like this from my own mom. How much it would mean to me to be able to peer through that window into her mind, to see what was going on for her during my early life. It would feel like the greatest treasure.

So okay, maybe I’m just not ready to give up on blogging completely. I want to continue to write our story.

2019. The little blog slowly marches forward. In fits and starts, with extended hiatuses and absolutely no schedule or rhythm to speak of. And thats okay. I’m excited to continue to share, little bits and pieces of my heart, here and there, when I have the time and the energy. Which isn’t much of ever these days. And that’s okay.

I’m really excited about 2019. My year to NOURISH, in every possible way. Everything is moving in the right direction and for the first time, I’m not holding my breath anymore.

I think it’s going to be okay.

Much love to you,
~Sayward

♥ ♥ ♥



Oh! And because it’s an annual tradition and this one is just too cute not to share:

IMG_8982 (1)

  • veronika

    Thank you, Sayward.
    We are here. I’m here, I read.
    I want to ask you a question. What’s the best way to contact you? -veronika

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    Thank you Veronica. ♥

    The best way to get ahold of me these days is actually to DM me on Instagram. I check there most often and it’s easiest/quickest for me to reply.

  • Betty Spaghetti

    I am glad you continue writing and I am almost certain that Waits will appreciate your blog one day. You’ve started it before he was born and he’ll get a glimpse into your Portland life and some of the struggles. Yeah, I wish my mom would have kept some sort of chronicles of our family, but in those days things were different. Now it’s much much easier to leave a legacy. Carry on!!! …. :-)

  • Jenny

    No matter how few or far between your posts, I for one will always be excited to see a new one emerge. You are an inspiration in so many ways. Honestly, I’m not sure I would have gone back to school and finished my biology degree without your influence. Thank you for all you share and congratulations on manifesting such a beautiful life!

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    Hi Jenny, thank you so much for this comment. It means so much to me. What are you doing now that you’ve finished your degree? Was it worth it??

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    Thanks Betty! It’s amazing how much I forget even of my own life (and I was there! haha), and going back to those old Portland posts is pretty amazing to remember. I do believe that Waits will appreciate it someday. I sure hope so!

    Thanks, and happy New Year!

  • http://www.the-applekat.tumblr.com Amy Applekät

    Very grateful you will continue writing. I’ve been following your blog since the beginning and as strange as it is, you really have done a lot in shaping my interests and influences! Thankyou for creating such beautiful content throughout the years :)

  • SJ Smith

    I’m so glad you haven’t decided to quit the blog just yet. I’ve followed you since pretty much day 1, and I don’t care how infrequent it is, I love your posts :-)