Hi guys, just wanted to check in here real quick. I am blogging from my phone which is something I never eiver do, so please forgive me if the formatting or spelling or anything else is off. Here’s why:
I really thought I had made it through this difficult time. We moved to a new house, a new quarter started, the legal stuff got sorted out, and life began to feel more settled. I started blogging again and I was really, really excited about revamping and revving up this space.
But no, I guess I let my guard down too early. And I don’t know man, I feel like I must be doing something wrong, because this can’t possibly be normal. Life isn’t supposed to be so completely unrelenting.
This week has been really hard. So many things happened, like my tires wore so thin that one of them literally popped in my driveway overnight. So I guess I’ll need a new set of those (though driving Jeremy’s pretty car this week sure has been fun). And then, my computer was like “peace out I’m done”. My hard drive is totally fried — hence the iPhone post. I will find out on Monday afternoon whether my data is recoverable. I don’t even want to think about what it will mean if I lost everything, but either way I’ll need a new computer.
And sadly that’s not the worst of it. Not at all.
And for probably the tenth time in the past year, I just can’t help but feel like giving up. Like letting go of all my dreams and just being done with trying. By Saturday night I was ready to drop out of grad school, close the wine bar, and just . . . fade away. I’m so tired of trying.
This morning, Sunday morning, Jeremy got up with Waits and let me have a good, long sleep. Then we packed up a picnic, and my man and my boy whisked me away, up, up, up to the very summit of Figueroa Mountain, where the wildflowers are in full bloom. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.
And we spread our blanket there, in a sea of technicolor blossoms, and I laid back to soak up the glorious sun, and I watched my child play under the forest canopy, and I took my lover’s hand in mine, and it was everything I needed, to help me remember.
So my computer is for-really dead, and I don’t know how much I’ll be able to be here in the immediate future. I’ll try to get back as soon as I can, because truth be told, this blog — and all of you who make up our community here — well, it’s one of the only bright points keeping me moving forward, these days.
I hope you all had a great weekend, and I really hope I’ll be back soon!