Hello, Things Are Bad But I’m Trying To Keep My Head Up

April 18th, 2016 - filed under: Furthermore » Feedback

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Hi guys, just wanted to check in here real quick. I am blogging from my phone which is something I never eiver do, so please forgive me if the formatting or spelling or anything else is off. Here’s why:

I really thought I had made it through this difficult time. We moved to a new house, a new quarter started, the legal stuff got sorted out, and life began to feel more settled. I started blogging again and I was really, really excited about revamping and revving up this space.

But no, I guess I let my guard down too early. And I don’t know man, I feel like I must be doing something wrong, because this can’t possibly be normal. Life isn’t supposed to be so completely unrelenting.

This week has been really hard. So many things happened, like my tires wore so thin that one of them literally popped in my driveway overnight. So I guess I’ll need a new set of those (though driving Jeremy’s pretty car this week sure has been fun). And then, my computer was like “peace out I’m done”. My hard drive is totally fried — hence the iPhone post. I will find out on Monday afternoon whether my data is recoverable. I don’t even want to think about what it will mean if I lost everything, but either way I’ll need a new computer.

And sadly that’s not the worst of it. Not at all.

And for probably the tenth time in the past year, I just can’t help but feel like giving up. Like letting go of all my dreams and just being done with trying. By Saturday night I was ready to drop out of grad school, close the wine bar, and just . . . fade away. I’m so tired of trying.


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This morning, Sunday morning, Jeremy got up with Waits and let me have a good, long sleep. Then we packed up a picnic, and my man and my boy whisked me away, up, up, up to the very summit of Figueroa Mountain, where the wildflowers are in full bloom. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.

And we spread our blanket there, in a sea of technicolor blossoms, and I laid back to soak up the glorious sun, and I watched my child play under the forest canopy, and I took my lover’s hand in mine, and it was everything I needed, to help me remember.

Perspective is everything, and the world looks very different from the tippy top of a mountain peak.


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Ladybugs ladybugs everywhere, thousands of ladybugs in the air!

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Beautifully blurry portrait by Waits ♥


So my computer is for-really dead, and I don’t know how much I’ll be able to be here in the immediate future. I’ll try to get back as soon as I can, because truth be told, this blog — and all of you who make up our community here — well, it’s one of the only bright points keeping me moving forward, these days.

I hope you all had a great weekend, and I really hope I’ll be back soon!

  • Lacy Davis

    Let me know if you make a GoFundMe for a new compy, lady! I have a feeling some of your loved ones and readers would be HAPPY to throw you some cash money, especially given the fact that you’ve so tirelessly given us free content for years. Also, remember that you’re doing A LOT (I know you know this, but I wanted to remind you anyway.) OF COURSE it feels overwhelming. OF COURSE when added stupid life stuff happens it makes you feel totally frayed. You, on a good day, are doing this damn thing soooo hard. And I have so much respect for you! I think you need to remember to handle yourself with some kid-gloves though. Cut yourself so much slack its ridiculous. This will pass. And you have a slew of people on your side, some of which you don’t know at all or don’t know that well. We are rooting for you! We want to support! (and sometimes that support is monetary! For reals on that GoFundMe ish) <3 <3 <3

  • lysette

    Sayward I’ve only read the first sentence of Lacy’s (Hi! Lacy!) comment and agree I would support a GoFundMe cause you (and Lacy <3) blog the most valuable vegan/feminist/mentalhealth/bodypositivity/survivinginthiseffingworld content in the web-o-sphere! xoxox

  • rattieluv

    Hi. Long time reader, first time commenter here. I just wanted to say that this post just about saved my life in the wee hours of the morning.
    I was awake, restless (again) at about 3:30AM. I was nauseated, tired, and all-around bummed out. Thing is, I’ve got no ‘good’ reason for these feelings — I just had what most would consider the ‘Best Week Ever’, being that I not only passed a Big Important Exam that I’ve been studying for for 3 months, it was also my birthday. But instead of feeling proud, happy, or excited for a new chapter in my life that passing the Big Important Exam begins, I’ve spent the week feeling exhausted, beat down, worn out, and all out depressed. I didn’t give a shit about my birthday. I didn’t give a shit about much of anything. Burn out to the umpteenth degree, I guess.
    I’m someone who’s struggled with anxiety and depression, along with the physical manifestations thereof, for many years now, so I kind of know the drill. But knowing the drill doesn’t necessarily make anything any easier, especially when you’re awake alone at 3:30AM. So, as I was flitting around the internet, trying to relax myself, I remembered your recent, bare-all posts about dealing with feelings/states of being that most people avoid talking about at all costs. So I came to your blog, and read this post, and I was like, YES, YES, YES. I eventually settled down with my head up against my cat’s furry butt and fell asleep to the sounds of her snoring.
    Not everything is fixed today, but I’m working on it. Things are OK, and will remain OK. This post reminded me that I’m not alone, even at 3:30AM. So thank you for making a space where I can remember that. I truly hope you are able to feel ‘on top of the world’ again soon, but you know what? Even if you don’t, you’re not alone, either.

  • http://msclaudiapear.blogspot.ca Claudia

    I am so sorry you have been dealing with so much stuff lately. I cannot imagine how you’re feeling, but I so admire your strength and fortitude and the fact that you can write “hey, I’m having a completely crap time of things”. I appreciate that very much, and I hope things get better for you.

    As for tires…I’m not sure what your state is like, but where I live you can occasionally purchase tires that are used (not to within an inch of their lives, but “gently”) that cost less and can hopefully limp you along to the next set of new. However, as I said, I don’t know if there’s legislation against this or anything where you live.

  • Bartleby

    What you describe sounds exactly like my experience of depression. Everything was overwhelming, trying seemed pointless, things I used to love brought me no joy, sleep was my only refuge from life, and I thought everyone who smiled or laughed or did spontaneous things or did not seem completely miserable were lying. All of that changed when I sought treatment (for me, talk therapy + medication + support groups).

    I thought that depression looked like one thing: abject moroseness, unable to get out of bed or shower or go to work. That’s what it’s like for some people, but I was “fine” — able to go to work and school, complete assignments, talk to friends and family on occasion, and function day to day. But I had no idea how bad my inner life was until I regained perspective, hope, mental resilience, and chemical balance. I hate knowing that other people suffer that badly, too, and aren’t seeking counseling and evaluation by a mental health professional. It helps so, so much.

  • Bandadaid

    Yes, set up an account for us to donate. Please. I don’t always get here often, but this is absolutely one of my favorite little corner of the internet and it’s because of you. I would like to support you in the only way possible for me right now. In the meantime I’m sending you love and light (you too, rattieluv!). Bless.

  • rebelgrrrlraechel

    i second this! <3

  • http://bittsblog.blogspot.com bitt

    It’s so helpful that you are open and honest about this. I too have struggled with similar emotions lately. It’s an overwhelm and a lack of being able to do the stuff that makes us feel better. Grad school is a LOT. I hope this summer or at some point the pace will slow down a bit. Good thing about being a student is perhaps you can get a student discount on the computer? I know I did when I was in school.

  • Maritza Sanders

    Hang in there, beauty! One day at a time… Things always have a way of working out!! <3 Sending so much love your way

  • Kristin

    My mom always uses the quote “Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” May your tide turn soon and brighter days be just around the corner. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and don’t forget to breathe. Sending you love and loads of good energy. <3

  • http://angieeatspeace.com/ Angie

    No advice, no words, just hugs!

  • Lotus

    Don’t ever give up on being you. Been reading for years, and I so appreciate who you are and what you do. I’m not even a vegan anymore and I still read, because it’s the essence of who you are I come back for, your awesome tutorials, the great ideas I get for enhancing health and wellbeing every time I read your page (I’ve passed around your kombucha tutorial and tahini recipe more times than I can count). However, as a mental health professional, it really does sound like depression. Life throws a lot of stinky stuff our way, sometimes our resilience is low from just…life stuff, and it all becomes harder. Hope you get more support, because you are truly a radiant flower. Love yourself!

  • katta

    Big love to you x

  • Natalia

    I love your blog, your writing, your drive, your values. Please do know that you help so many of us, every day!! And we truly apppreciate it. Sending you lots of positive energy.

  • Natalia

    Yes, I would love to contribute as well.

  • Rebecca Carnes

    I’m so sorry you are going through tough times ;( I really do appreciate your honesty on here though and absolutely look forward to your posts all the time!! You are an amazing woman / mama/ role model! It is true what you wrote too that perspective is everything…. even when its hard to see the positive in things look at your beautiful baby ( not so baby;)) boy and remember that he is healthy and happy….that’s what I try to do when I’m feeling down. And steal lots of snuggles from my little:) I hope everything turns around for you asap!! Sending lots of healing wishes your way xo

  • Brie

    Even though life gets in the way time and time again, I’m happy that you found the perspective you needed. I’m feeling similarly stressed. 13 days till I graduate and several projects all vying for my attention. Yet in the end, I think these are the seasons of life we will (hopefully!) look back on fondly. For you the experiences with your son, the process of your grad program, opening your businesses, and the other exciting things you have going on. For me, completing this first chaotic, long, but rewarding chapter of my higher education. We can do it.

  • stephie137

    Don’t know what to say to make it better. I hope you have turned a corner and it was just a cloud passing over the sun.

  • Betty Spaghetti

    When it rains, it pours! Just breath in and take one day at a time! Go to discount tire and chose tires that have a 60,000 miles warranty. Most Japanese tires offer that and they don’t cost too much either.
    As for your computer, get a refurbished one, they’re a lot cheaper with the same warranties. I’m an Apple user and even there you can get a cheaper Mac that is a demo model – just ask! Once you have another computer, don’t forget to backup your files – I learned the hard way too!! As for the wine bar: you’re in a university setting with lots of young people who like to hang out and have a drink. Do some verbal advertising on campus and you’ll be surprised how many will show up!

  • Sonja

    Thanks again for your honesty, Sayward. I’m sending you lots of love, light and hugs and hope, you will feel better soon. I would also throw you some cash for a new computer. I’m reading your blog since 5 years and you feel like a good friend somehow. <3

  • Jenny

    Hang in there… sending you positive vibes and love.

  • Cécile

    Dear Sayward, do set up that accound for us to donate. And before you do that listen to Amanda Palmer in her TED talk “the art of asking”. This is fair Sayward, you give us A LOT. Let us pay you back. .

  • Jennifer Ruth

    Sending you so much love Sayward! Oh man have I been there– life is a mix of the ups and downs isn’t it. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability and open heart with all of us here in reader-land. Your post reminds me of a quote I love — It’s in the darkest skies that we can see the brightest stars <3

  • http://www.one-sonic-bite.com/ Jennifer

    I would contribute- it wouldn’t be much but if everyone gave just a dollar for the content you gave, I am sure you would have a nice healthy pot of money for your new computer.. and maybe a back up hard drive so you have your data saved if it ever happens again (which it will… happened to me too many times)

  • christa gowen

    Good God, I swear there is something in the air this past week. SO many people I’ve talked to, and myself definitely included, have been struggling HARD. Like life is just kicking the shit out of us hard. I so, so feel you right now. Here’s to hoping it gets easier for us all! Sending love!!! xoxo

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