The Weekend Send-Off

May 3rd, 2013 - filed under: Furthermore » Feedback

My picture from the “Artist Portraits” series, taken by my friend Clovis IV at the Art Party I wrote about a few weeks back. If you’re interested, you can see more of the series here.

I wish I felt more like I look in that picture up there. But the truth is, guys, it’s been a bitch of a week (month?) (year?) and I’m glad the weekend is finally here.

I’m spread way too thin right now, with way too many commitments and I’m just desperately trying to keep all my balls in the air . . . with limited success. This week, I’ve been completely absent when it comes to answering comments here on the blog, and I’m really sorry about that. I’ll do my best to go back and answer the questions at least, but it may take a while. I’m definitely overwhelmed.

So the thing about me is, I am a pretty damn intense person. I’m driven and I’m practical (perhaps to a fault), so I don’t tend to get caught up in my own emotional experience. I’m not a dweller, or a wallower. I’m more the “put your head down and plough through it” type, which is why, I guess, it’s easier for me to lose perspective. To lose touch with my greater emotional context.

Today I realized that not much more than 6 short months ago, I was living with my husband in Portland. With my husband. Six months ago.

And I thought, “Oh yes, well there’s that!” Sometime (most of the time) I need to remind myself that I am actually in the middle – like, right in the emotional middle – of a divorce. And it’s okay that I can’t keep all my balls in there air, and it’s okay that my house is a mess (all I want for Mother’s Day is a clean bathroom, truly!), and it’s even okay that I’m sort of a total mess.

So I’m trying to remember where I am in the grand emotional scheme of things, and where I’m coming from, instead of always focusing on where I’m going. Gotta go easier on myself, gotta go easier on myself . . .

//end authenticity rant.


Musically, I am still hopelessly stuck on Macklemore. His last album, The Heist, is so amazing and there is more than one song that – I swear – was written for me. Or about me. I mean obviously not, but dang, it resonates so deeply. So anyway, I think you’ve heard enough Macklemore from me, but I don’t have any other music to offer this week.

So I thought I’d share this video instead. Waits and I made it as part of a contest over at Vegan Cuts. We’ve been getting our Vegan Cuts snack box for a couple of months now, and Waits gets SO excited when the package arrives.

This is our “unboxing” video – hope you enjoy! (I am not affiliated with Vegan Cuts in any way, and I pay each month for my snack box)


Alright, I’m going to try to shake off this funk and muster my gratitude for . . .

Le Love List!

1. Focusing on what’s important.
Waits is happy, and he is healthy, and he is whip smart to boot. And all that “spirit” which makes him so hard to parent, well, that difficulty is nothing in the face of those three things. He is happy, and he is healthy, and he is smart. I am so thankful for that. A gift.

2. Art projects with Waits.
We made his daddy a big birthday card covered in crayon, paper scraps, and glitter. Waits isn’t usually into art (he’s a much more musically-minded fellow), so it was a real treat to sit together and complete a project, start to finish. A treasure.

3. Waits, throwing his arms around my neck and squeezing tight.
Yes, all three are about Waits this week. I guess when you’re down in the dumps, you can clearly see the thing that shines the brightest.

My baby boy and I, well it can be tough for us (we’re both spirited, see). But when he runs at me and throws his arms around my neck and squeals “I love you mama!” . . . well, that washes it all away, in that brief beautiful moment. A blessing.

Also! making amends .|. making changes .|. re-arranging my house .|. PUDLA FOR LIFE!!! .|. soaking up sun .|. acting impulsively .|. my roses .|. the upcoming weekend . . .


Alright guys, now it’s your turn – let me know what you’re loving this week!

This happy little post will stay at the top of the page all weekend, so stop by any time to leave your Love List, ask a question, or offer some feedback! Or if you’re new, feel free to just introduce yourself and say ‘Oi!’! This is your community, so get involved!

Hope it’s warming up where you are. Have a great weekend!

  • Kirsti

    I watched the video and Waits seriously melted my heart! I love his personality and his squeaky little voice and his perspective! Pat yourself on the back for raising this beautiful boy and have a wonderful weekend!

  • Crystal Dicus

    Such a cute video! It’s easy to see why your Le Love list revolves around Waits : ). Life can be taxing even on “normal” days, but especially amidst major life shifts *and* caring for a little one. I think we should all give ourselves credit just for getting out of bed some days, let alone the fact that you run circles around most people I know (seriously don’t know how you do it). Anyway, I hope your spirits are back up soon!

    My love list:

    1. sunshine in Cleveland (finally).

    2. dinner parties with friends.

    3. meeting up with my Mom for coffee.

    4. Coal War by Joshua James –

  • Lynn

    *hugs for you* You’ve shouldered so much, I give you so much credit. It’s been an emotionally trying week around these parts too. We all need to go a little easier on ourselves, I think.
    Love List!
    -The weather has been GORGEOUS in Upstate NY this week, I’ve worn shorts almost every day! Woot!!!
    -Performing at a school for troubled youth and having them absolutely love the show :)
    -Going to watch a friend’s son play Little League Baseball :) Haven’t done that since my own brothers were little, I forgot how much fun it is :)

  • charlton

    OK. I’m going to have to try pudla now. You rave about it all the time, plus, cutest recipe name ever now that I think about it — I imagine being friends with a very old, mellow cat named Pudla. That’s what pudla makes me think of!

  • Ellen M. Gregg

    I’m new-ish. I actually forget how I found your blog, but I’m enjoying/devouring it, now. (I’m 47.5 years old, delighted to be menopausal, and am constantly amazed by what escapes my mind, and how much it doesn’t bother me – maybe because the important stuff sticks.)

    My Love List:

    ~* A life that is rich with wonder.
    ~* Spring has truly arrived in New Hampshire, and it is divinely beautiful.
    ~* A body that is getting healthier by the day, if not the hour or minute.
    One more Love Byte:

    ~* Your generosity of spirit, perspective, and knowledge.

    In gratitude, and since it’s been a big thing in my world this week, I’d be honored to do a card reading for you – if that kind of thing doesn’t weird you out. It would be a mini reading from two decks, much like I did on my blog (Zeitgeist post) earlier this week.

    Have a great weekend. Peace.

  • Monika {windycityvegan}

    Love that video!!!! I keep forgetting to subscribe for a Vegan Cuts box, but your video has me thinking about how excited Nina would be (she gets excited just to open my gf flour deliveries). After we get back from our summer vacation, I’m going to sign up! The smaller sized snacks will be perfect for Nina’s lunch box.

    It’s been cold and rainy all week, so I’m using my gardening downtime as a chance to re-read a favorite book series. And I finally plowed through season one of Homeland. Maybe I’ll get around to this West Wing business everyone keeps telling me to watch?

    This week I’m loving: Gallowglass .|. red wine .|. a work week defined by Getting Shit Done .|. maple tahini chocolate chunk cookies

  • Elly

    I’ve only commented once before…but I love your blog and am so happy you’re posting again! I love the authenticity thing, too. You have a great writing voice and I always like reading what you have to say. Also, that video is freaking adorable!
    My Love List is just one thing this week:
    I just graduated from college!!! So happy about that.
    Have a great weekend!

  • Annie


    My Family.
    My Paternal grandmother Nanny was terminally ill. She went into hospital, with what we all thought was a temporary-she’ll-get-better thing. She was in the hospital for less than a week.
    And we lost her.
    I’m inexplicably sad that she’s not here anymore, but so blessed for everything that happened. She was totally ready, and totally all there mentally – so she shared everything she wanted and could.
    When she made the decision to be taken off the respirator, she had several hours of complete consciousness and energy, and although my aunty, my sister and I had been there for 36 hours and it was 2 am on Saturday, we talked all night. About life, love, family, fin.Mostly we laughed. She held out til the following afternoon, after a heartfelt goodbye to her greatgrandchildren over speakerphone, one of her great grantchilfren (5 years) came in and said “bye nanny! I love you!”. He was the last living relative she had to see. Within 20 minutes, she left this world with a “take care, love you.”
    The most amazing thing is that my family, who have a Dynasty-esque dynamic, are all functioning. My dad is back in my sister and my lives. My useless uncle from Darwin flew in immediately, and was incredibly supportive and helpful. Everyone, in every way, banded together, and we’re a big mob since she had 7 kids.
    Even though my mum has remarried, she was there, and her mum, Nanna called me and said “You know this – we adopted your mum, and we love your partner like he’s ours – Family is family. If it’s the one you’re born with, the one you choose or the one you get on the way.”
    OH. MY. GOD. For reals, I can’t comprehend the amount of pure love.

    This was a month ago, but I’m still having trouble contemplating the fact that the world keeps on spinning.
    But that’s all I love right now.

  • Taylor

    Sayward, Waits is amazing. I, too, can see why your love list revolves around him! I can also see how it’s easy to be down on yourself- it seems that you expect a lot of yourself and when you can’t give 100%, it puts you down in the dumps. I don’t know if I’m right, or anything, but I do that all the time. I’m even doing it this week! I have so much due for finals and I’m taking it super easy on myself. Which should be okay, but it makes me feel useless. I need to get stuff done!!
    I have made room for love this week though:
    <3 Chris, my boyfriend, is amazing and makes me so so happy. It's cool that it's mutual too. We are in a long-distance thing right now 'cause he had to move to Kansas for a job, so I'm really happy we're staying strong.
    <3 School is almost over and I will FINALLY finally be in my last year of college. It's been like 5 years already (okay, I took a year off and changed my major 3 times, but still).
    <3 The weekend is here. And I can get stuff done. I can do it!
    <3 Chard!

  • Emily

    Cutest thing when waits is asking if he can have that bar in the Vegan Cuts box!!! I hope you have a wonderful weekend where you get to regroup and relax a bit :) Your blog is so inspiring!

  • Jenn

    Sayward, I know it’s so easy to do, it’s a cultural disease but you can’t (we have to catch ourselves) beat yourself up for the way you feel. So I hope you have a great week and and can relax. I’ll takey own advice too:)

  • MathTutor

    I’m practical and unemotional to fault as well, but i’ve learned that it’s OK to feel self-doubt and to completely forget to clean your house sometimes! (I seriously just did 3 weeks of laundry, 3 WEEKS!) Hell, I’ll hole up for two days in my house when i’m feeling down, and sometimes I just need that time to unwind and put me back on the right track.
    Anywho, on to my love list!
    1. Finally done with my senior design project…60 page report and a 45 min presentation. It was REDONKULOUS
    2. I’m graduating on the 11th!
    3. Finding out i’ll be spending a year in Houston for my first job :)
    Oh and a weekly WTF, It hit into the low 40′s last night here in south Texas…WTF?!?!

  • Monika {windycityvegan}

    I love your addition of a ‘weekly WTF’ to your love list! I live in North Carolina and we went from 80s to 50s a couple of weeks ago, and have been hovering in the 60s ever since. WTF??

  • Linda E

    Sounds like you are forgetting to hug yourself!! It can be sad as a single woman/mom; there isn’t another grown up there to remind you how great you are! And no matter how lovable those little ones are; they just make you butt tired!

    I love finally getting my seedlings into the garden; warm weather; the bird nest in my grill; my animals who love me no matter what; and my grandchildren who are in their teens and above and still take the time to hug me and tell me how much they love me.

  • The Cookie Fairy

    My Love List:

    1. Friends. I’m so so thankful for all the beautiful friends I’ve made at uni in the last three years. I never thought I would fit in so well when I first got here, and now I’m sad I won’t see them most days anymore, because I’ll be graduating soon and moving away.
    2. Graduation in 3 weeks. Scary. But scary good. All the hard work is paying off.
    3. Sunshine. That is all :)

  • Katrina Fleming

    Holy moly! I am IN LOVE with your little tyke! Waits is crazy adorable.

  • MathTutor

    Sounds like Texas! We don’t know what to do with ourselves when it hits into the 50′s in May. I saw some girls wearing uggs…scarves…the whole shebang! Its 50 degrees, not 30! WTF?!? Hahahaha

  • rebelgrrlkitchen

    Sending you lots of love and light. These parts of life—these unplanned parts, the rocky ones, the ones that punch you in the gut—I think they’re harder to get through if we don’t acknowledge them and accept them, so I applaud you for sticking with your mission to be authentic. It helps your readers too, because goodness knows we’re all going through/have gone through/or will go through some gut-punching periods of life.

    I read this quote that really helped me during one of my more recent rocky patches (that seemed to last for almost an entire year):

    “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” -Zora Neale Hurston

    Sounds like you’re having a question-asking year. That’s okay!

    Anyway, I’m just getting all emo about tough times because I’ve been there. As for my current love list?
    ginger berry smoothies. my baby kitty!. turning fear into excitement. teaching yoga at the jail (the inmates were especially focused this week!). connecting with friends.

    Oh, and that ADORABLE video! Waits is such a cutie-pie!

  • Katrina

    You’re such an inspirational person, Sayward. I wish I could dwell less on emotional things; they always tend to get the better of me instead.

    Here are the things I’m loving this week: All the English daffodils that have just bloomed. Retro circle skirts. Putting on red lipstick and getting an immediate confidence boost. Re-watching the Lord of the Rings movies. Growing plants on my window sill.

  • bohemianmatka

    You must be in Aggieland, right? ;) Yes, I went to our small town’s homecoming celebration with my daughter wearing shorts and everyone is walking around with roping vests and coats…

  • bohemianmatka

    My daughter was sitting in my lap when I played the video of you and Waits opening the Vegan Cuts box, and she kept calling him ‘daddy!’ since we talk to her dad on the computer while he’s away. :)
    I always find myself taking on more than I can handle, so I know how you feel. Not about the divorce though; I can’t imagine how tough that is, and my heart goes out to all three of you.
    Love List: 1) My daughter and everything about her 2) sunshine and greenery 3) third trimester!

  • MathTutor

    Good guess! And oh yes the abuse of Northface gear is rampant here…us rednecks can’t handle anything below 50 degrees!!