the fantasy hides a fractured facade; facade; facade; facade

February 14th, 2013 - filed under: The Farm » Family



July. Summer. The summer that looked so good and felt so bad.

This July was perhaps the summeriest summer I’ve ever had in my life, filled with park play and fountains, homemade ice cream, out-of-town weekends, BBQs and picnics, and – well, you’ll see.

Underneath all that sun and play, was a painful unraveling at home. But on the outside, it looked so pretty.



Lots and lots and LOTS of these days at the park with Jo and crew.




Boating with the family up north.




First taste of ice cream – homemade strawberry coconut cream, with fresh picked strawberries.




And those strawberry fields that made way for afternoon blueberry-picking adventures.



I’ve never been a particularly “musical” person. Other than a deep and undying love of Tom Waits, when I’m listening to something it’s most likely talk – talk radio, NPR, podcasts, or audio books.

However, when I find myself facing great emotion, something musical awakens in me and I’m compelled to listen nonstop. And that happened, in July, as Damian and I began dancing around the discussion of separation. I re-discovered the incredible, the incomparable, the genius that is Amanda Fucking Palmer, and her music became my solace.

This song was on constant replay (really worth watching the entire video):




At the very end of July we went to a “hoedown” BBQ at Out To Pasture farm animal sanctuary. There were so many friends, so many beautiful animals, so many lovely veg families. It was one of my very favorite days, just absolute summer perfection. And isn’t it amazing that you can have such a diamond day during an otherwise very dark time? Life is complex and incredible and man, there’s just no such thing as black and white now is there?








August, coming soon . . .

  • Annie

    Amanda Palmer is so amazing. She explains crappy emotional situations so eloquently. Last time she played here on her Goes Down Under tour she did a cover of the Ship Song by Nick Cave (it’s on the album) and it was so heart wrenching.
    Ohhh, and Ampersand. That song SLAYS me. It’s not the most emotional, but for some reason (warning: about to sound like a drunk woman with mascara run eyes sitting at the top of the stairs), it speaks to me so much!

    Summer here, in the land down under, is amidst the end of year (and for school/uni and stuff) and the beginning, and work holidays and all the family/religious/celebratory stuff, so it’s like this vortex of AHH SO MUCH STUFF TO DO + dry heat induced apathy + some sort of not quite accurate nostalgic ideal of perfect pleasantness and days at the beach. So it’s this shitstorm of conflicting stuff, that always ends up awesome, even it wasn’t really.
    It’s odd. But I can totally see the idea of summer beyond just a season and actually a metaphor for a cocktail of emotions and experiences.

  • andrea

    Beautiful pictures, yes, guess nothing is ever black or white there is plenty of grey in between and a whole pallet of colors apart this two extremes and that makes a life so wonderful and surprising and teaches you the best lesson: never to judge because none knows how it is until he/she really has to go through. So glad that you are better again and hope all the changes in the last year were worth it!

  • lysette

    Since I started reading your blog I’ve found it uncanny how much you look like Amanda Palmer.

  • lysette

    Since I started reading your blog I’ve found it uncanny how much you look like Amanda Palmer.

  • http://twitter.com/rachelkyle0402 Rachel Jacobs

    Oh what a beautiful month to have such a dark cloud over your family. I dread each post now…just waiting for what seems to be a foregone conclusion.
    It’s actually like a really good book. You know something bad is coming down the pike, but you can’t put it down because YOU MUST know what happens next.

  • http://twitter.com/rachelkyle0402 Rachel Jacobs

    Oh what a beautiful month to have such a dark cloud over your family. I dread each post now…just waiting for what seems to be a foregone conclusion.
    It’s actually like a really good book. You know something bad is coming down the pike, but you can’t put it down because YOU MUST know what happens next.

  • Julie

    Annie – I love your warning about sounding like a drunk woman with mascara run eyes sitting at the top of the stairs. That totally wraps up exactly how we fear looking like a drama queen, and thereby squelch discussing – or even experiencing – what we really feel. That is an outstanding phrase, and I’m glad it’s in my head now. Thank you.

    Sayward – since you’re writing now, we can guess that you are pulling through these experiences. This is like watching a vase crash to the floor. My thoughts turn to how this is a heavy, dark place in your life, and I bow my head over it.

  • Taylor

    As I read these posts, I really hope all worked out for you, no matter which way it had to be. I find solace in music a lot- specifically Fleetwood Mac. It’s awesome when you can find that in a band or artist. I’m glad you were still able to see the good days for what they were. That’s really important when you’re going through depression and a tough time.

    Can’t wait to read August!

  • Annie

    Sorry, a bit confused about your tone. I don’t know if you found what I said insulting? If I came off as though I were dismissing emotions as though they are dramatic, I was merely being sarcastic and referring to how *I* have sounded in that examples – way too much gin, something sad has recently happened etc.

  • skeptk_vegan

    Wow, what an absolutely fantastic song/video. Thanks for sharing that. Waits looks great with his haircut! And seems so big too! Such cute animals as well. :)

  • Applekat

    I told you on your Instagram and I’ll say it again, when I first found your blog I immediately thought you were Amanda’s doppelganger.

  • Cass

    It’s so good to read your voice again. Thank you for coming back here.

  • Danika

    I was a little devastated when you quit blogging last year, so I just want to say I’m so glad you’re back. I appreciate the raw honesty in your recent blogs. I have three young daughters (the youngest is the same age as Waits), and my husband and I finally made the heartbreaking decision to separate a year ago. I don’t know what happens with you and Damien yet, but I know that even having those thoughts and discussions about separating your family is really difficult.
    Your pictures made me even more ready for summer. This Minnesota winter is getting old.

  • http://www.facebook.com/samantha523 Samantha Gannon

    I must have played that music video a dozen times the day it came out. She still blows me away, even all the years after the Dresden Dolls.

    Also, I am so happy to see you blogging again! I look forward to all of your updates!

  • kw

    So glad to see you are back! Have followed and enjoyed you for years and missed you. I got a catch in my throat, lump in my stomach, extra thump in my heart when you mentioned a separation; I hate hearing that and it seems I know too many lately, but I do hope you both(3, really) have found happiness, whatever the outcome. I am glad you are sharing your genuine experience and not trying to remain positive for other people. I think it is such a disservice as moms and women to not share at least some of the struggles we go through, as when I read those strictly-positive blogs I feel like I am failing myself and my kids when I have bad days, rough days, days where I don’t feel good or am mentally in a bad place. I like hearing the real story of someone making it through the good and bad and in-the-middle, not just someone crafting the crap out of life and pretending that’s all there is to it. Good job, look forward to reading more.

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    Oh, Ampersand. See my next post. ;-)

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    Thank you Andrea, and I agree. That is the very best lesson I have learned. =)

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    That is a fantastic compliment, thank you! <3

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    Thanks Rachel, but please don’t dread. I am much happier now!

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    Music has become SO important to me. It’s amazing, truly.

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    Isn’t it incredible? She is so amazing!

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    Thank you! I love that!

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    It’s really, really good to be back here. =)

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    I’m so sorry to hear about your separation Danika. I hope it was the right decision for you and your family, and that you’re in a better place now. Much love. <3

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    Thanks Sam! I adore that song and I agree, her stuff just gets better and better. I can’t believe The Dresden Dolls was so long ago, and I STILL can’t believe I missed that damn show with you! Ugh . . .

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    Thanks kw, and I agree, it does a certain disservice to only present the positive. And that is especially difficult for moms, since we all struggle so much and feel such intense pressure to keep it perfect. Anyway, thank you for the comment. I’m so glad to be back!

  • Julie

    No, no, no! I’m not saying I feel insulted. I’m just saying I really love that phrase. I think you might have meant it as sarcasm, but it speaks to me in a different way. I always try to avoid being the woman crying on the stairs – but sometimes I try so desperately hard not to cry that I end up having to put the lid on a whole host of emotions that then bubble up into a serious meltdown. It was just a great turn of phrase. I meant that as a compliment.

  • Annie

    I thought as much, but we need some sort of filter for tone/inflection over the internet! Especially since I’m from Australia, so I probably use phrases much differently to most of you lot.
    For example, “Yeah, right” means. “I see, do go on,” but I think you
    guys say it as “you are exaggerating”, so we get oddly perceived as
    snarky a lot from tourists. And we also swear and use mild insults as terms of endearment so we come off as a bit abrasive.
    “Australia, land of the c-word with a heart of gold.” <– Pretty accurate.

    But yeah, we've all been there – or we're lying. I think the thing is as well is that a lot of our judgements on ourselves *are* justified. The amount of tredding on eggshells treatment I got at work after I cried ONCE when I had a horrible day and had cramps and everything thing just sucked… One time a lady crying, an emotional mess that does not make! So I get feeling like we should be, and appear to be, strong.

  • Kelly H.

    Great song and yes…you do look a bit like her!