At the beginning of the year I announced, sort of on a whim, that I would be doing a “Pictures Of Things + Le Love List” post every single week in 2017. This one was supposed to be 20/52. But instead of hitting publish that week, I just stalled. And procrastinated. The truth is, I didn’t know how to put into words this thing that I’ve come to realize. I don’t know how else to say . . . I don’t want to be a blogger anymore.
I’ve been trying to find a gentler way of expressing that. And I feel like I owe you guys an explanation, so I’ve been trying to find the right words.
I still don’t think I have them, but here goes nothing.
I’ve been blogging for a long time. I mean, a really long time. And over the course of these 8 years, I have had the opportunity to do so many amazing things, and to travel, and to learn and grow. I’ve shared my highs and my lows, from birth to divorce, and pretty much everything in between. It’s been beautiful, for me, to be able to do that.
And it’s been beautiful to meet all of you. Over the years I have talked to hundreds if not thousands of people. People from all over the world. Interesting, inspiring, unique, fearless, fabulous people. And I am so grateful for that.
Back when I first started this blog, I really felt like I had a lot to share. I was practically bursting at the seems with it, so excited to learn and to grow and to play — and to do it all in public, sharing my process with anyone willing to pull up a keyboard.
But along the way, that feeling has changed for me. And especially over the last half a year or so, I’ve really felt myself transitioning into a new phase of life. And that phase feels, in many ways, a lot smaller. It also feels so much richer, and so much fuller, than my life has felt in a long time. But I’m definitely turning inward. And I just don’t feel compelled to share it in the same way that I used to.
This poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay has been my sort of creed for the past decade:
My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—
It gives a lovely light!
I’ve always reveled in my frenzied life. A million projects, a million ideas, a million plans. My most frequently asked question from readers is “How do you do it all?” And I don’t know. Honestly I don’t, it’s just always been my way, to overfill and then deal with the consequences (be they good or be they bad — or often, be they both).
But the truth is that a lot of sacrifice goes into living that way. Sacrifice that I was happy to make at the time — I was fine with forfeiting the things that felt less important to me, back then. But those things I’ve forfeited have grown more important to me as I’ve gotten older. I guess my priorities have just changed.
So over the past six months or so, I’ve been paring down my life. I graduated with my masters degree, and said goodbye to graduate school. We closed the wine bar, and Jeremy closed his retail shop. I scaled back my hours in the school gardens, and last week my contract ended. I won’t be renewing it next fall. And although I miss all of them, every single one of these things that I’ve removed has ultimately made my life infinitely more enjoyable. I feel like I have room to breathe for the first time in, well, forever.
So I’m sure you see where this is going. I don’t want to keep burning the candle at both ends. My relationship, my motherhood, my friendships — these are the places where I want to funnel my energy, right now. I want as little stress and pressure as possible, so that I can just enjoy the people and the things that I love.
This is a very different way of being, for me. But it’s how I need to be right now. It feels so right. So I’m going to stop blogging, at least in any formal capacity.
I really love having this space, as a record of my life and my kid’s life, and as a way to record our adventures. I look up recipes on here all the time! I love flipping through old posts. These pages hold such visceral and important memories for me. So the site isn’t going anywhere.
And I’ve loved interacting with all of you. I’m not disappearing completely. I imagine I’ll blog a few times a year, maybe even more. But I’m saying goodbye to blogging as “a blogger”.
And I hope that makes at least a little bit of sense.
And now, the one, the only . . . and probably the last for quite a while — Le Love List!
Making our first Meadow Tea of the season. Feels like summer! // Coworkers who bring me tangelos (my #1 favorite citrus). // Budgeting like a BOSS. // College bathroom graffiti. // Fellow share-parenting mamas who are on the exact same schedule, so we always have our kids together, and we always *don’t* have our kids together. Beach babes for sunny-baked days with our boys, or a sunset and a bottle of wine for those breezy beachy nights when the kids are away. Our schedules alway match and it makes it all so easy, and I am eternally grateful for that. // Coworkers bringing me homemade coconut yogurt, wow! // When Jeremy cooks for me. // Having a whole day to just putter around the house. Bless those day, ooooh bless them! // Calendula salve = skin magic. // Stability. // Bringing my coworkers big bundles of beautiful rainbow chard from my garden. // Daydreaming of doggos. I really want a dog. // Having a clean house. // Waits and I were on a bike ride and suddenly he hollered “A bird pooped on me!” I was afraid he was going to freak out, but then he started laughing, and he shouted with glee “Mom look! It’s good luck! I’m gonna get GOOD LUCK!!!” And it was so adorable. He’s such a little optimist, and that’s just what the world needs, I think. A little more optimism. ♥
And with that, my dears, I bid you all adieu. At least for now.
I know myself and I know that old habits die hard, so I imagine I’ll be posting more on Instagram now, as a way to stay connected. Who knows, maybe I’ll just move to microblogging completely. Either way, I’d love to see you there. @sayward
Alright, farewell friends. With love and gratitude,
~Sayward
♥
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