Positivity // Authenticity (and the future of this blog)

January 27th, 2013 - filed under: Furthermore » Inspiration

Oh Photo Booth, why you be flippin’ my books around?


Last summer I picked up a book called Bright Sided: How Positive Thinking Is Undermining America. It was an illuminating experience, to say the least. The author explores a lot of ideas that had already been bothering the back of my brain, things that just don’t jive with the current conventional Internet wisdom of “Practicing Positivity” (which I, myself, was promoting).

Happiness,” the modern meme goes, “can be yours if only you learn to banish all “bad” thought, cut off ties with “negative” people, and work hard to fill your head with only “good” things.” Essentially, think positive in order to be positive.

And that’s what I tried to do, for years. But when I look back through the archives in this blog, when I read my old entries and then contrast them against the whole-life experience I was having when they were written, I see a disconnect. And, I see in myself some seriously unrealistic expectations of my own humanity. It makes me sad.

Because I feel like I was engaged in this endless cycle, a desperate grasping at happiness, that went something like this:

chasing chasing chasing - catching! - losing – chasing chasing - catching! - losing – chasing chasing . . . and on and on.

From the outside (on the blog) it probably appeared that I was “happy”, because when I did manage to capture those moments, I seized them – almost frantically – and then wrote about them, made Love Lists about them, and generally tried to get maximum efficiency out of each and every one.

Because I knew that just as quickly as they came, they’d be gone.

Practicing my positivity. Chasing chasing chasing. That is not happiness. Happy isn’t something that’s running away from you! Happy, if you have it, is right there when you wake up in the morning. And chasing? That’s what you do when you’re deeply, deeply unhappy, and maybe you don’t even know it.

What is it that makes me deeply unhappy? Well, my 18-year-old self had already figured that out, and I should have paid closer attention. Because countless times I’ve laughed as I told the story of how I graduated from high school, decided I had to be a “grown up”, dyed my hair a normal color and started wearing trendy clothing and got a super straight-laced job. And within 6 weeks, I was miserable. I was so depressed! So I up and quit that job, shaved my head to nothing but fuzz and unpacked all my weirdo clothes, and whattaya know, I was back to feeling great and groovy in no time.

So what makes me deeply unhappy? Trying to be something that I am not.



These days I’m no longer caught up with chasing happy. And I don’t really “practice positivity” anymore, at least not in the way that I used to. Because these days I’m much more concerned with being authentic than I am with being positive, and I’ve learned that for me the most important thing is to never deny my feelings, whatever those feelings may be.

So when I feel sad, which I do from time to time, I don’t label it “bad” and try to banish it. Instead, I jump right in. I put on meloncholy music and I write sentimental stories and I generally just embrace it. I tell my friends, “No thanks, I’d rather stay in tonight,” and I spend some time alone with my sadness.

And you know what? It feels good. It clears out. Whether it’s sadness or anger or hurt or envy, honoring the feelings lets them move right through me. Letting myself feel just exactly what I need to be feeling, makes me happy.

Here’s a really great story about authenticity:

Last spring Waits started a co-op nursery school. At first he loved it – the very first “drop” day I gave him a big pep talk on the way in, and when it came time for me to leave, he pointed at the door and said “Yeah, Mama go.” I had lots of [private] tears, but he had none.

But about 2 weeks in, everything changed. He became distraught when I would drop him, it was like he had a delayed reaction to our separation. The other parents (it was a co-op remember, so all the workers were parents) encouraged me to leave him even though he was upset. And I did leave, and they did what most caring people do when confronted with a child in distress: redirect. It’s what everyone teaches and everyone does, and it certainly seems to make sense at first, except . . . EXCEPT, that when you prematurely discontinue a child’s feelings, you actually deny their completely valid emotional experience. And emotions don’t just disappear. They hide – deep.

So Waits never really did get over my leaving, and most days when they couldn’t calm him down, the other parents would call me and ask me to come pick him up. It got to the point that by our last month at co-op, I didn’t even try to drop him. I was basically paying to work there, since the only time Waits attended was when he accompanied me on my shifts.

Fast forward to autumn and I enrolled Waits in a real preschool. On our first drop day I explained to the teacher about the delayed separation. And just the same as before, he was totally fine when I left him that day. For the first few weeks he was happy, until one day . . . “NOOOOOO MAMA DON’T GOOOOOO!!!” And it was happening all over again.

Now, I chose this particular preschool for many reasons, not the least of which was their very radical approach to childcare. And I trusted the teacher (an old friend, actually) very much. She encouraged me to leave him, and so I did.

When I arrived back at school that afternoon, I stepped out of the car and the first thing I heard was my baby wailing. He had cried the entire time I was gone, she informed me. She was calm. “We’ll try again tomorrow.

The next day it was the same, he screamed when I left (heartbreaking) and wept the whole time I was away. His teacher was enthusiastic “He cries, and we talk about why he’s crying. He’s really good at articulating his sadness. This is great!” It was hard for me, but I trusted her. And so it went on. Every single day.

For a week of crying.

For two weeks of crying.

For – nope, one day it just stopped.

Like magic. Overnight it all ended.

Because see, in this school Waits had been allowed to really feel his big feelings about me leaving, and he was offered a safe space where he could experience those feelings completely. To explore them. And when he realized that I would always come back, and that his teacher was there to love and support him, well, he was able to release those big feelings.

These days Waits wakes up every morning and asks “Is it a preschool day?” because it’s pretty much his favorite place in the world.

Waits needed to be authentic. He was SAD, and he didn’t need to try and “be positive”. He needed to feel his sadness all the way. That’s how he got to the other side of it. And that’s authenticity, brought to you by a 2-year old. So now I’ve learned that when Waits is upset, I shouldn’t try to “cheer him up”. Instead, I pull him onto my lap and hold him close and tell him, “I know, that’s so hard isn’t it? That must feel awful, we can take as much time as you need.” It’s all part of Unconditional Parenting, and watching it work – the amazing way that allowing authenticity can transform this child, well it got me thinking about myself.

So I’ve taken a page from unconditional parenting and applied a sort of “unconditional selfing”. It’s been life changing.



Allowing my own authenticity is one of the best things I’ve ever done. Trusting myself and making difficult choices – sometimes very difficult choices – is not easy. But it feels A-freakin’-mazing. And in all those years I spent “practicing positivity”, I never experienced the sort of sustaining self-love that I do now.


I yam what I yam.”
– Popeye


The truth is that most days I wake up with a smile on my face and I feel excited to get out of bed, because I genuinely love my life. A year ago, I never thought I’d be able to say that and mean it. My life – my self – is a complicated, incredibly human, and sometimes messy thing. It’s definitely not traditional and it doesn’t fit nicely in boxes. But I think it’s beautiful. And by truly accepting it just exactly as it is, I’ve finally found my Happy.

So moving forward in this little web space, I can promise you one thing and one thing only: my authentic self. And that’s scary for me, you know? Because what if you don’t like me?!

I’ve even had people – pretty much everyone actually? – tell me that I should continue to censor, keep the blog always! pure! positive! because that’s what people want. But I don’t think that’s true. I think people want real. Aren’t we all just looking for something real in this world?

Over the next few weeks I’ll be sharing a series of posts that will catch you up on everything that has happened in the year I’ve been away. Shit will get real. Because I’m not going to bother glossing over the difficult stuff. Not anymore. I’d just rather be me.

And my real life is mostly happy, and most of the time I am really positive. But sometimes I’m not, and sometimes I’m scared, and sometimes I just don’t know what to do with myself. And that’s okay too. At least, I hope that’s okay with you. I guess we shall see.

So there you go. With a dash of trepidation . . .

see you next week.

  • Anonymous

    I for one look forward to your realness! I’ve missed your blog this past year and have often sent positive vibes your way. I’m glad things are turning around for you!

  • http://twitter.com/saraandcompany Sara Howie

    I’ve missed your blog and it makes me terribly happy that you’ve found happiness. I can’t wait to start reading again!!

  • Chelsea

    I try to live my life with this approach to emotions. I view them as neither good or bad. Emotions are what they are and they demand to be felt. We can push them down for a while, but then one day…KABOOM. They come out all at once. I’m all for being real :)

    &, oh, how I have missed your posts. I just whipped up a new batch of ‘bucha today and referenced your instructions. And I happily found this post waiting for me when I went to the blog home page!

    Hugs & love, dear.

  • Fran@BCDC

    Very insightful. Glad you’re back!

  • http://twitter.com/lauraagarwilson Laura Agar Wilson

    You are so damn right, people do want to read stuff that is real. I have never been able to be anything other than me, I make so many mistakes and mess up so often on my blog I used to be afraid that people wouldn’t like me or think I was foolish. But then I stopped caring. Not about the people who read my blog, but about what they might think of me. If they don’t like it they don’t have to read right? But they do read, because they like to see the journey I’m on, and I think the fact that I’m not perfect and make mistakes is what appeals. Now I am un apologetically me, that’s all I can be really! Oh and the feeling sadness thing, I totally get that. Sometimes I sit and cry for an hour and really feel that sadness and let it consume me, because then I can deal and let go and move on and I’m fine. Looking forward to more posts from you :-)

  • Lina

    Yes, YES, yes! You know, I think that if you’re only genuine, nothing can go wrong. Just think about it: if you’re genuine and something doesn’t work out, well, then it wasn’t meant to be because it wouldn’t have been right for you – and if you’re genuine and it does work out, you can be completely confident that it was for the right reason. That’s a massive win-win. Also, I think you should check out Amanda Palmer, embodiment of authenticity and raw humanity. Isn’t it funny how when you’re genuine, even the ugly becomes beautiful somehow? A big hug to you, it will be fan-fucking-tastic to have you back!

  • http://twitter.com/CoffeeConundrum Samantha Brooke

    I love this. Bravo on the not-censoring, bravo on the difficult! It’s part of everyone’s everyday life, but we don’t see enough of the “real” in the media, in shows or novels or blogs.

    I don’t have enough time to blog as I’d like, but a few months ago I wrote one of my posts on a crappy day I had and the reasons it was bad; and I continually wonder if I should go back and delete it, for whatever reason. But, nope, not gonna do it.

    SO glad you’re back!

  • Anne

    Damn it’s good to have you back! Every time you write, I have to think, reexamine, and reevaluate. Love it. Looking forward to more.

  • http://twitter.com/mel_frantic Melissa Ferrante

    Refreshing. I always believe if I’m experiencing something or pondering. A train of thought other people must be in the same boat. We’re all human and maybe some things aren’t the “norm” but they certainly aren’t unique. So thank you for wanting to be authentic. I’m excited to be reading it. I’m trying to live that way now and I’m sure plenty of other readers ( and people in general) are floating in this direction. I believe your blog will be more successful gor it. Thanks for putting yourself out there and helping me ( and others) feel normal.

  • Tim

    Glad to hear you guys are doing well. Photo Booth>Edit>Auto Flip New Items

  • Lynn

    I’m so glad to have you back! I really did miss you while you were gone, but I totally respect and understand the reasons you chose to step back. For whatever it’s worth, I would much rather read a *real blog* than one that was constantly, exhaustingly *positive*. I, like you, am genuinely happy and positive most of the time, but everyone has their days. Some days I hate my life and everything in it, I feel helpless, angry, lost, whatever, and I don’t want to hide it or shush it up, I want to experience it and get through to the other side, like you said Waits did. So, in short, thank you and welcome back :)

  • http://cheaperthantherapy.me Marie

    Great post, I really like this idea that authenticity > positivity. This is kind of a trite example, but I used to have a coworker that was always saying “SMILE!” and it made me want to punch her. Why should I have to smile for somebody else’s benefit??

    I think this obsession with positivity is really just another way of saying “BOTTLE UP YOUR FEELINGS” and didn’t we already overcome that stigma back in the 50s?

  • Jen

    Thank you for this. I’m trying to work on having compassion for myself (surprisingly difficult) and your post appeared on my reader at the perfect time. :) Thank you for sharing your life and experience with us!

  • http://chewonthisvegan.tumblr.com/ Monika {windycityvegan}

    Hooray for finding your Happy, and for putting authenticity over positivity. Looking forward to reading more about what’s really going on in your life, and not just the happy-washed version. As Lina stated, even ugly can become beautiful through the lens of being genuine. Although, sometimes life can just be pretty fucking happy, too, and I hope to read more about when shit gets real and it doesn’t have to be happy-washed.

    I love that Waits’ preschool allowed him to really feel his emotions and experience them on his own terms. I tell you what, though – it really takes a lot of willpower to let a six-year old experience the full gamut of their emotions sometimes! (It’s worth it, though, of course.)

    I am one of those people who is absolutely near-manic Happy about 98% of the time. (I chose to embrace my ‘flaws’ at an early age and have never looked back, even at the expense of relationships, and I have put in enough years on this planet to know that this life-long strategy has worked – for me.) But I’m also an A++ wallower, which is what has kept me sane over the years. [Being married to someone living with Biopolar II has certainly given me perspective, as well.]

  • Andrea

    That’s so nice to read, yes, not you seem very real :) About positive thinking and ignoring every other sensation, well, honestly I think that it could cause more damage than benefits because there is a whole mechanism in one’s body, soul, mind, that is forced to disappear…which is impossible. It is a cool book that I read few years ago “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, Reclaiming Your Power, Creativity, Brilliance and Dreams” written by Debbie Ford, for me in that period (when I was just really exhausted of /trying/ to be sth), was very helpful, not saying that is offering I don’t know how much wisdom, but for sure is offering a brand new, liberating point of view. And just a question, is it a too early to send a 2-year old kid to a preschool? I mean, that’s is very shocking…well radical step from my European perspective.

  • http://www.facebook.com/joannavaught Joanna Vaught

    YES EXACTLY

  • Sarah B, PhD

    Oh YEAH, lady. I’m an Aquarius-biologist-mama too, to a little boy born in March 2010 (I e-mailed you during the time we were both pregnant) and a little girl born in February 2012. Struggle as I did with the transition to motherhood, I was always puzzled to see that struggle (or any struggle) missing from this electronic space. I felt such a strong sense connection with you — even though it was only digital — that I KNEW something was missing if the blog was all happy, all the time. Having fallen about as far as it is possible to fall, and recently picked myself up again, I found myself thinking of you and wondering if you made a similar journey. Looking forward to reading about when shit gets real. Welcome back. :)

  • amey

    hey sayward, another great post! many years ago, I had a very rough patch (emotionally & spiritually) ~ and this was the same thing I got out of it. it was time to stop saying “fine!” (with a smile) every time someone asked “how are you?”. it was time to start saying “crappy!” when I was feeling crappy. It has been such a shift, and it felt instantly better. I do think there is value in not dwelling on the negative, but I remember when that book came out and I was in 100% agreement with the author. Time to get real!

  • wendy

    hip hip hooray! so glad you are back, real-er than ever! can’t wait to hear more of your grand adventures, both inside and out. thanks for sharing your journey. you are touching lives!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=2410377 Reaha Campbell

    I can’t say in words how I feel about your post. I love it. I love your honesty. I’m glad you’re back on your own terms. It’s what i want from the people I follow on the internet. I’ve been fighting a mostly losing battle with positivity as well. I know it’s good to let myself feel the things I feel, but at what point should I stop, be mindful and get real. Thank you for sharing sayward.^^

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    Oh, this comment is awesome! Because 1) “if you’re genuine and something doesn’t work out, well, then it wasn’t meant to be because it wouldn’t have been right for you – and if you’re genuine and it does work out, you can be completely confident that it was for the right reason. That’s a massive win-win” is SO TRUE and you put that beautifully.

    And 2) Amanda Palmer figures in HEAVILY in the series of posts I have coming next month. Isn’t that funny?

    Yup, you nailed it. ;-)

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    Haha, thank you Tim! That’s great to know!

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    Oh I can imagine trying to let a 6-year old work through it all! Oi. I try to practice Unconditional Parenting because I truly believe in it, but I fail pretty much every day, in some way. That’s okay, I keep trying and learning and my son is better for it. Hopefully I’ll have some practice by the time he’s six! =D

    That’s awesome that you let go of self-doubt etc at such an early age. God, my life would have been so much easier if I had done that! WAAAAAAY happier, to. But hey, it’s a process and I’m really glad to be here right now!

    I’ve missed you, lady!

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    That book sounds awesome, I’ll check it out. As for preschool, 2 is definitely on the early side for a traditional, “sit down and learn” type of preschool. But for working parents here in America, many people begin putting their children in some sort of daycare as early as 3-6 months old. Every family is different and people have different values or privileges. For me, I felt like Waits was really ready for the social engagement of a morning-only, few days a week, day care. The nursery school didn’t work out too well (as I said above), but his new preschool is so amazing and he has just completely blossomed there and he’s obviously getting new and different stimulation than I was able to give him, and so yeah, it’s been excellent. I guess it depends on the kid too?

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    Oh goodness, yes I remember you! Hello! And I’m sorry to hear about your “fall”, but that’s wonderful that you’re through it to the other side. And oh my goodness, CONGRATS on your new baby girl! <3

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    Thank you Amey – yes it’s an important point, about not dwelling. Maybe I should have included a mention of that, but I certainly don’t encourage myself to wallow, haha.

    I also have started being honest with the real people in my real life, like when they ask me how I’m doing. VERY hard for me, maybe the hardest part actually. But man, it just feels soooo much better!

  • Clémence Moulaert

    I like you :) Please do express yourself, I found this blog post extremely empowering and invigorating. I’ve suffering from an eating disorder and anxiety and I always try and ‘keep happy’ because I’m scared of feeling that sadness and hurt again. And of course, every time I cling fiercely to my happiness, it slips away. So maybe I will try your trick and embrace the sadness when it comes. Scary, but I’ll give it a shot.

  • http://bonzaiaphrodite.com/ Sayward Rebhal

    Thank you Laura, it’s nice to hear you’ve had success with being more candid and real on your blog. We’ll see how it goes for me, but I am really hopeful. Mostly, because I can no longer imagine writing in any other way. So it better work, ha!

  • shell

    real IS the shit. I like it. And I too have suffered/questioned/hidden because of fear of my authentic (sometimes sad!) self. We all strive to be so many people (especially women) – we need the real represented. I welcome you! xoxo

  • http://jlgoesvegan.com JL

    Ah, happiness. The belief, for many, that to be happy means to be constantly smiling. Not to get all Buddhist on you but, since I am one, I know happiness to be the intention to find compassion and value in every situation, good or bad. You definitely seem to be someone who looks for meaning in what’s happening in your life; therefore, you seem really, really happy – to me :)

  • Angela

    Definitely want the authentic over the constant (sometimes forced) positivity! I rarely read blogs that are all kittens and moonbeams because it feels so fake and leaves me with that yucky feeling that my life is WRONG or something.

  • Reagan

    I’m so happy to see you again. Yesterday I really started thinking about you and your family and how much I missed your posts and hoped you were still doing okay. Lo and behold, this post today.

  • Andrea

    Few days a week doesn’t sound too bad. I was left very early too (after 1st year), in a place, not really like preschool, but we used to call it prekindergarten and I remember I was crying…I mean I don’t remember almost anything from that early period of my life, but I do remember the sensation and the fact that I didn’t like it :) My brother didn’t go through that, he just went straight to kindergarten with 3, he never cried and I was always so jealous of him. But I suppose for Waits is particularly good cause he is a single child and it should be good to spend some time with kids around! And, I fully agree, I suppose it is like this, it surely depends on individual needs of a certain child. Btw. don’t expect too much from that book, but remember that I’d love to hear your feedback when you’ll read it ;)

  • Krysta Vollbrecht

    Man, this makes me love you so hard. When I first met you, and found out you had a blog, I read through some of it. It made me feel like we lived in very different worlds. You had this amazing life. Stayed at home with your kid. Incredible marriage, beautiful house, homegrown everything. I knew my life would never be as cool as yours. It was intimidating. Your life is still amazing, and you’re amazing, but it’s nice to know that you’re also human :)

  • Kim

    Another awesome post! I have being doing a lot of happiness resesearch lately myself and so this was an interesting piece to add to the puzzle!

  • Carey

    Really nice to have you back in whatever way you want to be back. Life isn’t all happy happy joy joy, and that’s okay…that’s real, that’s life, thank goodness.

  • Jen

    This is an excellent post.

    I remember this guy at a pizza store used to always say I should smile more, but I had a shitty job and whenever I was getting pizza I was there after work. I sure as hell wasn’t feeling happy, so why pretend? There’s nothing wrong with feeling the way one feels.

  • Jen

    Oh, I also want to say that I look forward to your posts. I know a lot of bloggers only show the good, the happy, the positive, but without the bad stuff all of the good pales.

  • Caitlin

    i love this way of thinking! so glad you are back to blogging and sharing your life experiences and wisdom with us!!

  • Steph

    Awesome

  • Anonymous

    We do want real! Thank you so much for being authentic Sayward!
    Such a great education from little Waits-I totally agree with feeling the feelings and not trying to cover them up with pretend happiness BUT sometimes I find it hard to articulate my feelings or understand why I’m feeling a certain way. The frustration leads me to try and explain them away- i.e. “I have no reason to be sad/angry/feeling flat” and force positiveness on my self. Any tips??

    P.S Can we see Waits again?! Miss that charming smile :)

  • Sheena

    Thank you for sharing, especially the story about Waits. It’s really quite beautiful.

  • http://vegmomof4.blogspot.com/ April

    I am looking forward to seeing a more authentic Sayward :)

  • Lauren Wood

    Oh Sayward, I’ve always liked you and the blog so much and now I do ever more so. Really looking forward to your real and honest posts. So glad you’re back AND happy!

  • Rachel from The Vegan Mishmash

    It’s good to hear you’re happy and doing well. I really enjoyed reading this and I can’t wait to see your next post. So glad you’re back.

  • Hope Hughes

    I loved this post – it touched on some things I’ve been wresting with for some time now. Being authentic and expressing my emotions has always a tripping point for me. I’m a vegan health coach and personal trainer, but I always set myself up for failure – paralyzing my business progress – by comparing myself to others, beating myself up, not feeling qualified enough to do my passion, and being hyper critical of my body.

    I have done affirmations out the wazoo to no avail, and it was ultimately making me unhappier. I just felt like I was a big fake, almost as if I wake up and put a mask on every day. So I decided to stop, and I am trying new things to help tap into what will propel me forward.

    I’m slowly learning to take my own advice. Some days I feel awesome and some days I’m super grumpy – and that’s a-ok (can’t be all sunshine and rainbows!). I’m learning to be okay with my twisted sense of humor, and settling into me (although it’s not an easy road reprogramming my normally unhappy mindset). I’m understanding why I have so much unhappiness – we get it programmed into us from our parents. But, a big BUT here, it doesn’t have to define us…it doesn’t have to define me.

    This year had a tumultuous start for me, but I’m starting to settle in and push forward with what I want and how to get it. Reaching out to others has always been a roadblock, as has publishing my writing. I realize these things are part of why I’m unhappy, and, unlike Waits, I have allowed myself to express the things that make me unhappy.

    So maybe I should try the mantra “Be like Waits. This too shall pass. Let it out, let it go.” :D

    I think I’ll download a copy of this book for my reader and give it a go.

    Thank you for such an insightful, and helpful, post! I love reading your blog!

  • http://www.facebook.com/minnatoots Minna Toots

    absolutely :) ‘whatever you resist persists’ and the same goes about feelings. when you always accept yourself and even your crappy feelings, allow yourself to live it all out, the negativity almost always magically disappears. because you’ve found a way to embrace feeling whatever you feel and enjoy it. it’s the magic of being alive :) and then you’re ready to move on to feeling better. also, contrasts are essential for growth… but one thing that always helps me with bad feelings is questioning my mind, asking myself why i feel this way and go deep into it. that way i find the core thought causing this feeling. it might not always take the feeling away but it kind of shines a light on it and makes me feel like a boss :)

    anyway, SO glad to see you back here again, of course, excited to start reading your posts again and willing to read anything you write, be it glossed over or the genuine you. YAY!

    (Minna)

  • Selina

    I love this post just as much as I love the last one! I am so excited that you are going to be blogging again, and I am looking forward to real-ness! :)

  • Shanon

    I agree 200%. People want real. Not only do they want it, they crave it, they relish it and, they honor it. You can do no wrong by being who you truly are. Congratulations Sayward!

  • http://twitter.com/rebelgrrlkitchn rebelgrrlkitchen

    Thank you for this. I feel similarly about blog-writing—it’s so surface most of the time. I am looking forward to you being back and gaining some inspiration and courage from your real-ness. : )