Happy Birthday Bonzai Aphrodite; 3 Years Is A Good Solid Run; This Post Sucks

February 1st, 2012 - filed under: Furthermore » Feedback

Today marks three years that I’ve been inhabiting this little slice of cyberspace. Three years of sharing my life online. Three veganniversaries, two books, one pregnancy. Three seasons in the garden and three years of recipes. Countless comments and conversations, shared creativity, and blossoming community. In some ways it’s hard to believe it’s really been three years, but then I think back to where I began . . . and man! I was a whole different person back then.

When I started down this path, my life was wide open. I had just quite a job I hated, I was ambitious and excited and had all the time in the world to throw myself into my writing. I worked tirelessly, as has been my nature, and slowly but surely I pieced together this precious little space. My intention was to create a community of like-minded individuals, a network of action-oriented optimists to move and shake and make the world a better place. And . . . I think I did! We have done amazing things here, you and I. Whether you found Bonzai at it’s beginning, or whether you joined us somewhere along the way, or even if you just arrived last week, you’ve all played a part in making this place incredible. Thank you.

But there have been hard parts, too. For me, there are times when it’s difficult to live my life on display. At first I really appreciated being held accountable; it was motivating, and I loved connecting with people on a similar path. I found it empowering to feel like I was making a difference in the world. That may sound silly, but I’ve received enough emails by now that I do believe I’ve played some small but important part in changing a lot of lives. These emails light me up, and often bring me to tears. Every email, every single one, has filled me with gratitude. That has meant more to me than anything else, and has really become the force that keeps me moving forward here.

Over the years I’ve grown, and everything else has grown too. I’ve become a mother! Things have changed. My responsibilities and obligations, my day-to-day life and the way I use my time, and many of my priorities, have had to shift. And oh boy have I fought it! Often to my detriment, I have fought it. I can run myself ragged but the truth is, I no longer have the singular focus and endless energy to throw myself into this project. Bonzai is so much more than just a series of isolated blog posts, you know? Nurturing a community takes a lot of energy.

~~~

There’s a few things that you should know.

See, there’s this elephant in the blogosphere.
When I created Bonzai, I dreamed of a space that would provide for others what I’d wished I had for myself: a place to belong and to be inspired. A space for hope and positivity, for sharing ideas and spurring creativity, with simple mindful solutions for building a better, more beautiful life. I had nothing but the best intentions.

What I’ve since come to realize is that this is an unfair model. In the process of preserving Bonzai as a “happy place”, I’ve painted an incomplete image of my life. And although I always knew that it was only a partial picture, I realized (too late) that this [mis]representation – even coming from a place of caring – was having unintended consequences.

To be clear, this is a problem that goes well beyond Bonzai Aphrodite. The same thing is happening all over the blogosphere (especially with “mommy bloggers”), and it’s something I’d love to see addressed by the larger community.

The dilemma essentially is this: bloggers want to perpetuate positivity. To lift people up and empower them. We want to show you beautiful things. Or maybe I should just speak for myself. That’s what I want.

But in doing so, we paint an unrealistic, idealized version of a person – me – and of a life – my life. Again, just speaking for myself, I fear that I’ve created an impossible standard. A measuring stick whereby readers, trying to live up, will always believe they fall short. I know this because I’m also on the other side of it, with other bloggers, comparing myself to my perception of them, and feeling like I’m “less than”. And I know it because people write to me, feeling just exactly that way after reading Bonzai.

This is a real problem and it really breaks my heart. I don’t ever want to play a part in someone feeling bad about themselves.

It’s something I think about a lot these days, but as of yet I haven’t been able to see a perfect solution. (And it’s entirely possible that there isn’t one.)

Postpartum Anxiety.
So yes, there are parts of myself that I choose not to share on Bonzai. That’s pretty obvious I guess, since I’ve never gabbed about my sex life and I’ve never discussed the specifics of my finances. And along those lines, something that I’ve kept private is the difficulty I’ve experienced as a parent. Becoming a mother has been a really rough transition for me, actually, and I struggle with it . . . a lot.

It wasn’t even until a few months ago, more than 18 months postpartum, that I realized my suffering went beyond the normal aches and pains of adjustment. That it was more than just me being bad at this (which, sadly, is something I’d considered).

The problem is that they always talk about postpartum depression, and I didn’t feel depressed. I wasn’t sad or listless or losing sleep or extra sleepy or losing weight or extra hungry or any of those other signs of depression. I was just . . . anxious. All the time. And irritable and short-tempered and angry. As a pacifist and someone who deeply values compassion and communication and cooperation, this was pretty horrifying for me. It threw me for a loop and consequently, I’ve been cloaked in shame and self-doubt for a very, very long time. And all the while, I didn’t really realize it was happening.

I don’t want to get into the details of it here (this is an epically long post as it is), but if you’re interested in learning more about postpartum anxiety, you should read this blog post, because it describes what I’ve experienced to a tee. Like, exactly. I couldn’t have written it better myself.

I just want to say, now, that I’m so sorry for keeping this from you. At first I was just confused, and then it grew into embarrassment, and eventually self-loathing settled in. I know that mental health issues carry an unfair stigma and I wish I’d had more of a grasp on what was really happening to me, so that I could have shared my process with you. As it was, I hardly even realized it was happening, and mostly I was just trying to put my head down and hold strong, get through it, and put on a pretty face in the meantime.

I’m sorry.

But ultimately, my life is too full.
Since Waits was born I’ve written two books, maintained a thrice-weekly blog-posting schedule, and kept up with freelance writing work, all while parenting full time, trying to be a good wife and partner, keeping house, and making most of our food from scratch. Oh, and being a dog mom and chicken guardian and farmer/gardener. It’s a lot that I’ve been juggling.

Over the years, one of the most frequent questions I’ve received is: “How the hell do you do it all?” Ha! But I’ll tell you the truth. For the first time, I’ll actually answer the damn question.

It comes at great cost. In order to “do” so much and give so much of myself, I set aside the things which are the most important. I sacrifice my relationships.

I skip relaxing craft nights with girlfriends, and evenings spent on double dates, and unlimited afternoon reading time with my kid, and weekends away and weekends doing *nothing* at all and having the space in my day for a spontaneous picnic, and all the other moments that make life, you know . . . sort of actually worth living. Not that I never have fun, because I do, but so much of it – too much of it – is buried under a pile of stress and deadlines, pushed back with promises of “later” and “when/then”.

I. Am. So. Burned. Out.

I’m an atheist, did you know that? So no afterlife for me. I only get one shot. I used to believe that in my 100 or so years of existence, I had to make my indelible mark on the world. Do something great. Secure my spot in the annals of history so that I’d be . . . remembered.

But I don’t think that’s what it’s about, anymore. Because even the most important person ever – even Mozart or Einstein or Alexander the Great – even they are just a blip in the entirety of human history, and all of human history is just a blip in the entirety of the Universe. I know that it sounds like a 14-year-old’s acid trip “deep thought”, but for me, it’s been an epiphany.

If I only get 100 or so years of existence, I better make damn sure that I enjoy them.

~~~

So, why am I telling you all this?

Because I need to step away. I need to stop blogging. It breaks my heart and I’ve fought it for a long time, but I know, deep down, that it has to happen. At least for now.

I need to clear everything out so that I can really see. I need some quiet so that I can take stock. I need to slow down. I need to know what it feels like to not always live a week (or a month) behind at my life. I need to find my happy, because I seem to have misplaced it.

So this is my goodbye-for-now. This is my goodbye to Bonzai.

I’ll still be around the Internet though, sharing interesting finds and my freelance articles on my Facebook page. And tweeting my general musing, random thoughts, and silly silliness, through my Twitter. I’m sure I’ll continue to flood the net with photos of my kid, via @sayward on Instagram (or Followgram) (also Tumblr) And I’ll definitely continue to obsessively curate my little collections on my Pinterest boards. Bonzai will stay here, just exactly as it is now.

But yeah, who am I kidding. That’s not the same. And this hurts. I have a knot in my belly the size of Kansas and I feel like I’m letting everyone down, and I’m sorry, and I’ll miss you. I just really hope you can understand.

And I hope that I’ll see you ‘round the Internet.

And I hope you know how sincerely I cherish you. Thank you so much for being a part of this.

With all my love and from the bottom of my heart,

*** I’ve been absent lately when it comes to answering comments, questions, and emails. I’m sure it was just my way of keeping some [emotional] distance as I prepared for this post. But I want you to know, I *will* be going through and responding to everything. It may take me some time, but I will.

As well, I’m about halfway through my Great Grand Diet Trial. Im not one who likes to leave unfinished business, so I do plan to post the rest of that series. Eventually.

Lookingatstars

sayward? this is *ok*. go have fun, and thanks for telling the truth we all needed to hear. your blog is still going to be a source of inspiration and help even without you updating it.
http://twitter.com/andanin Neysa

I am so moved by this post, I am literally in tears.

I stumbled across Bonzai during a difficult and confused time in my life. I have always been a bit of a lurker on the blog, popping up occasionally to write a few words in the comments, but largely just reading. But, perhaps oddly, it wasn’t just reading.

Every day that I read your blog, I am inspired.

Your writing has helped me come to terms with some things I would probably otherwise have ignored. I have grown as a person, encouraged by your experience. And I know I am not alone. My boyfriend absorbed all your posts right along side me, and is never surprised when the response to “Where did you come up with that?” is “Oh, Sayward!”

I don’t think you misled your readers in any way, you’ve always said that it isn’t easy, that you’re stressed out, that you have bad days, and I’m sure we all take you at your word. One of the things I love most about you is that you are the same as the rest of us (in a good way!), or at least not outside of our reach.

So thank you for all the good times, the beauty, the inspiration, and sharing some of your beautiful life with us. You will be missed, but I hope to see you around the web. Enjoy your extra time with your family and friends, and may your life be filled with more love, laughter, and precious memories than you could possibly wish for!

Neysa x
Bridget

sigh. blog recommendations to fill my blog-void left behind by this post pleeeease!
ZoetikaDax

Please don’t feel sorry about a thing. Thank you so much for everything you’ve shared these past couple of years but especially just now.
I’ll admit I cried a little bit reading this, too.
Again, thank you and I really do hope that you find the inner calm, the downtime, and the happiness you deserve.
http://fridgescrapings.com/ Lou

This is an amazing, brave, inspiring post… and YOU are all that and more. Take time for you, your son, your family… as you say, you only get one shot at this life, and you don’t want to spend it having a melt-down.

I totally hear you on the post-partum anxiety too, man it’s hard going – sending much love and light to you and yours…. thank you so much for all the hard work you’ve put into Bonzai – you created an amazing place to learn, share and feel a part of something special xxx
http://www.facebook.com/people/Morgan-DuPuis/768928131 Morgan DuPuis

Thank you for all your hard work. I’ve loved reading Bonzai and I have been inspired on numerous occasions. I hope that you find the balance you need and the happiness that you deserve.
Take care,
Morgan
Jamey

THANK YOU for all your hard work and for sharing so much of yourself and your family with all of us! And most of all, thank you for listening to yourself and stepping back when you need to! I haven’t commented before but have been reading regularly for over a year. I meant to email or comment or something a while ago and tell you that I bought Rawsomely Vegan as a thank you for my cat-sitter, and he adores it! I look forward to finding you around the internets! Don’t feel guilty for a second. Life’s too short!
xx
Jamey
@crumbsofbrixton
Clémence Moulaert

Don’t feel sorry–you have nothing to apologise for. Your family needs you much more than your bloggers do. We’ll find other ways to fill up our day. You enjoy the time you have with your family, and do all the things you want to do with your life. We only get one life, so go for it. Don’t feel guilty. Be happy :)
Chloe

I have postpartum anxiety and anger now, after my second child, and I had it for a while after my first, as well. It’s more stressful now with two kids, and you know, it really is so wonderful to hear someone else talk about because YES all I ever hear about is PPD and I feel like, I don’t know, I thought I was just an angry and anxious person or something. But I’m not, and I wasn’t like this before. I’m pretty sure everyone thinks I’m nuts, particularly my kids doctor, haha. And the anger, it’s…it makes me hate myself. I am not the mommy I want to be. But you know what? I’ve been putting off finding a therapist for a while now, but you’ve given me some impetus. Thank you. And good luck to you!
Sonja

Sayward, thank you so much for this honest post. It’s cheesy but I have tears in my eyes. Please enjoy your much needed free time as much as you can. Have fun with your loved ones and don’t skip the relaxing craft nights with girlfriends. You did an amazing job in creating the Bonzai community and you are such an inspiration for all of us. I’ll miss you but hope to see you around the internet. And Bonzai will still be a good resource for inspiration! Lots of love
http://twitter.com/keephealthstyle Laura Agar Wilson

Thank you so much for Bonzai Aphrodite, I’ve only been reading for a few months but I’ve enjoyed every single post. I can completely relate to your feelings of being ‘stretched’ some times something just has to give and relationships and just living life have to come first. I hope that you find the right balance for you in the future, wishing you all the happiness in the world, thanks for all the inspiration xxxx
http://twitter.com/FarmerMarketVeg Ali Seiter

Sayward–
You have made such a tremendously positive impact on my life and taught me more than you can imagine. From you I’ve successfully brewed my own batch of kombucha, milked my own almonds, sprouted my own buckwheat and quinoa, and inspired me to delve further into the raw foods world–in short, you’ve expanded my understanding of what veganism can be.

I completely comprehend frome where you’re coming, speaking of exhaustion and being burned out. I can’t say that I feel it to the same degree, but as a high school student balancing homework, college applications, scholarships, clubs, gymnastics, piano, and yoga classes, I can get the gist of it. Thankfully, my blog still provides a source of calm and pure enjoyment for me, but I can see where it would become an semi-unfulfilling experience at some point.

I also don’t blame you at all for trying to paint a “perfect picture” of your life. As you mentioned, who doesn’t? And why on earth would you want to share every single worry, problem, and personal issue on the wide open blogosphere? Your goal was to create a thoughtful vegan community (which you undoubtedly did), not to recount every detail of your life (good or bad) to your readers.

Once again, thank you so much Sayward. I’m currently enjoying owning your Rawesomely Vegan! and verily hope to see Cooking with Cultures sometime in the future. Until then, have fun living a non-digital life. I wish you the very best.

-Love, Ali.
natashia muna

Wow, I am actually sitting at my computer crying. I feel like I’m losing a best friend, ridiculous, I know, but still. Thank you so much for everything you have given me over the last couple years that I have been reading your blog. I haven’t commented often, but I have always been here, reading and being inspired by you on an almost daily basis. As a working mom I COMPLETELY get this, juggling work, family, love, life….it’s insane, and something always has to give. So, go be with your loved ones, that is the point after all :)
You will be so missed.
xxx
Natashia
tara

Do what you gotta do, girl! I wish you all the best. =)
Gabrielle

You have been a big inspiration in my life. You mentionned that you though you’d made a difference, let me tell you did. I discovered so many things that I couldn’t live without now and you just made me a better person overall. I have post-its on my wall as reminders: “What would Bonzai do?” LOL It helped me so I’m not ashamed to admit it.

I’m litteraly crying over the fact that you are “leaving”, but I sincerely wish you hapiness, joy and peace of mind. Nothing is more important than that. Being able to admit and respect yourself that way is already a big step.

I will continue to use your blog as a reference and you as a role model. :)

Thank you for your 3 years of blogging and sharing. Love to you and your family.
Nicci

Hi, I have never left a comment before and always wanted to. I have waited with baited breath every week for your blogs and have been following for almost a year. I am almost a vegan and you have been helping me get there. Thank you! You inspire me so much to be a better earth dweller.

Upmost respect to you for this post. I found myself in this exact position a little over a year ago. I LOVED my job but I was married to it and I needed to take stock of my important peeps ‘like my ACTUAL marriage and gorgeous hubby’. It was so so hard to make that change and was pretty scary at first. I love my husband dearly but felt a hole in my life after I left my job. Deep down I knew it had to be done. Only 1 month after I quit I was anxiety free and loving my new life. I haven’t looked back. I am quite literally living the dream. You have helped me on this journey of transformation. I hope that you find your muse for your next chapter.

I am looking forward to any little snippets you want to share. All the best my cyber friend. I have cherished our one sided friendship dearly. Thanks for letting us all in to your world.

Lots of love me xxx
~Liz~

Sayward, I’ve been following your blog on and off for two years now, not as a V*gan, just as someone who admires your writing and respects your voice. While I will miss your posts, I’d rather get this goodbye than a thousand more What-I Wednesdays, now that I know the cost.
It takes such courage to step away, to speak up and say, “No, I need to do this for me.” I SO PROUD of you for this! You need to be happy so you can take care of those that need you. Your fans will continue to cheer you on and think of you, and love you more, knowing that you’re taking care of yourself.
No worries, my friend, do what you need to do. If you decide that blogging still has a place in your life, we’ll be here to listen.
Rachel Fesperman

Hi Sayward,

I admire your decision and I want to thank you for all of your work on this blog. You’ve inspired me to start my own blog again, as well as make my own almond milk, and be a more conscious vegan eater. In short, your blog has inspired me, beyond belief. It was just what I needed to find at this point in my life, so thank you. And best wishes to you and your family in the future!

-Rachel
http://greenfeatherherbs.blogspot.com/ Greenfeatherherbs

Wow, that was an amazing post…thank you for being so honest, it was so brave. I honestly believe that anyone (who deals with the internets on a regular basis) that has or wants a real and genuine sense of life and connectedness will eventually come to this same conclusion that you did. It is truly what we all need…to be with people, to go outside, to reconnect with the Earth. I hope you enjoy it–don’t feel guilty one bit!

Jacqueline
Melisa

Bonzai changed my life. And just because it isn’t forever, it isn’t any less awesome.
http://twitter.com/lilyelyse Lily Elyse

I am so thankful that you gave me something to look forward to reading every week, and I know that time and energy it must have taken to come up with such great posts. I’ve learned so many things from your blog that have changed my life for the better! I enjoyed reading everything you posted and I know it will be hard to find a blog that combines the intelligence/sassiness of yours. I will miss all the updates but I know what it’s like to need to find some sort of balance, and I wish you all the luck in finding it! :)
http://vegantasticness.blogspot.com Felicity

Holy cow, I’ve always admired you. Maybe it’s because of what you said….that you hid some of the less perfect aspects of your life. But after this post? I can only admire you more!!! You’ve inspired me in my life choices, food choices and, yes, fashion choices! You are one bad-ass down to earth chick and I’ve savored every blog post you’ve made. I’ll miss this blog like crazy but I’m sure there will be more books down the line! Go be more of the bad-ass that you always have been!
Bootzey

Took a lot of guts to build like that. Peace….
http://twitter.com/arodenha Alli

While I totally and completely understand your reasons for taking a step back, there’s still a small selfish part of me going “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Yours is one of maybe three blogs I read where I’ll be like, hm, I’m bored, let’s click around the BA archives for awhile! I wish you and your family the best….and if you ever decide to come back to blogging, I’ll be waiting with jumps for joy.
http://www.skrotlyckan.se/ Lina

You were brave to write this post. I have enjoyed reading Bonzai Aphrodite for, oh, a few months now. You ARE an inspiration! (Don’t think this post changes that.) You remind me a lot of Amanda Palmer from the Dresden Dolls; she’s always so positive, so upbeat, like a vitamin injection! (Like you!) But she’s been struggling a lot, too, behind the scenes. Thank you for the honesty. I hope you will find harmony. (Don’t try to “get happy” – it doesn’t work like that.) In harmony, you will find peace and in that, there is happiness. Thank you for everything you have given! Live softly.

Lina
Laura Dias de Almeida

As much as I’ve enjoyed reading this blog over the last few months, I’m happy to know that you’re taking care of yourself and reclaiming some precious time;
all the best!
http://www.choosingraw.com/ Gena

Oh Sayward. I just wanted to say, congrats on giving yourself space in which to evolve. Sometimes blogs grow with us, sometimes we grow out of them. They’re like careers and love affairs that way. Just allow yourself to go and be where you need to go and be.

As a full time pre-med student, hospital volunteer, and full time CR-er, I realize that I hover close to having to ultimately allow something to give — will I REALLY be able to blog when I’m a resident? Who knows. I have decided to accept that I can’t predict these things, and that I’ll simply allow my life to take me where I need to go. And I hope and pray no one ever finds me “perfect” as I get there, because I’m not, not on my blog, not in real life, and nor would I want to be :)
http://www.ladiesholiday.com/ Deirdre @ Ladies holiday

Thank you Sayward- I think it takes a ton of rocks to be honest with yourself and take the steps necessary toward living your truth. A truth that has and undoubtedly will continue to change as you progress through motherhood and life, just keep your eyes on your heart and you won’t go wrong.
Best wishes in slowing down, shuring up and whatever is next on your horizon.
Suzanne Dunphy

Thank you for sharing what part of your life you felt comfortable sharing. I have learned and enjoyed reading. I do really hope you finish the Great Grand Diet Trial series as that was my first thought when I read that you were closing up – “But what about the diet experiments!?!”. Please do finish that for those of us that are insanely curious. I wish you well.
Natsmithillustrations

thank you for all the laughs, tears and green juices!!!! what i learned from you will always be with me. thank you for your honesty. please enjoy your MUCH needed break and take those spontaneous picnics!!!! we love you bonzai aphrodite!!!!!
Brianna

I love you even more for this post.
JamieR

Thank you for being honest with us. I’ve only been following for a few weeks, but i’ve gotten so much from you. Little things like making my own almond milk, and larger things too. I’m truly a changed person. You’ve given me self confidence and a more positive “can-do” attitude about everything in my life.

Go make time for picnics!!! That is what life is all about. I’m very happy that, however hard it may be, you’ve decided to step back and make time for things that are so much more important!

And i’ll still be here frequently because i have a lot of back blogs from the last three years to check out :)

Good luck with everything, i’ll see you ’round the internet.
Jessica

I’m so proud of you! I’m a licensed counselor who has been reading your blog regularly for about a year. This is self care at it’s finest. Good for you! You will continue to inspire and make a positive impact on this world, through your relationships with others and being the thoughtful person you are. Best to you!
Amanda

Oh Sadness! You really are the favorite of my bloggers (if you could see my Reader listing you’d know how big this is!).

But…I totally understand. It seems that for years I’ve been trying to find balance in my life and even just carve a little time for me. Take care of yourself!

I’ll be sure to follow you on facebook and Instagram, etc. Keep doing what’s best for you. We’ll miss you!
meg

My son is 3 1/2 now, and I still struggle with what it all means. I mourn a loss of freedom, yet celebrate all that he is to me. I crave moments of solidarity, yet love to hear him singing songs in the living room while I cook dinner in the kitchen. I know my relationship with my husband is different, yet am so proud of the ties that bind us together, differently, now. I also really, really, really look forward to reading your blog, but absolutely admire you for taking a step back. I, too, know the juggling game, and at times it’s empowering but at times it’s just WAY too much. So, enjoy– and I couldn’t agree more with Melisa’s remark– “just because it isn’t forever, it isn’t any less awesome.” Thank you for juggling this for 3 years!!!
Sarah

Thank you for everything, Sayward! Bonzai Aphrodite is by far my favorite blog- for its recipes, philosophies, and for your voice. I have learned so much from you. While I will truly miss your posts, I completely understand your decision to step away. Best of luck in all that you do!
Jen Cywinski

Thank you for everything you do and have done. This space has been tremendously important to me and I often look back through your posts to find something I was thinking about. Don’t feel bad about leaving, celebrate that you’ll have more time to take care of you and your relationships. See you around the internet :D
Sarah C

As much of a bummer as this news is to me and so many others (you’re my favorite blogger too, so I’m sad!), I totally understand and support your need to take care of yourself. Since my baby was born 2 years ago I’ve been so…..what? Not myself, and not on top of my game in the way I wanted to. She’s the most important thing in the world to me and I feel like I fail her on a daily basis. So I get it – and I get why sharing all of your life online isn’t really realistic (look, we all knew your life wasn’t perfect – you are human after all – but we enjoyed seeing the parts that you chose to share with us). I’m not on any of those other internet sites/activities so I’ll miss you and I hope for the very best for you and that sweet family of yours. And yes, please do share the rest of the diet trial when you feel up to it – I really wanted to know how it turned out! (I’m looking for that something for myself too – I have to get back to my joyful life that I had before; why does pregnancy/motherhood mess with us so?). Anyway, enough rambling. Good luck to you.
Kath

I am so moved by your honesty. Seeing about yourself is so important and I’m so happy for your recognizing this. Enjoy.
http://twitter.com/Rebecca_Hawkes Rebecca Hawkes

I am so sad to see Bonzai go but I totally understand the need for you to have your life back. Reading this blog over the past year (plus going through ALL the backlogs) has always made me strive for a wonderful life not dissimilar to your own, as well as inspiring me (along with other recommended sources) to become Vegan. I cannot thank you enough. You deserve to enjoy this wonderful life you have created with your beautiful family. I wish you all the luck in the world. X
Vicki

Here I am, a Primal/Paleo chick, and I have still learned so much from your blog, and have enjoyed it tremendously. I hope going out you realize how many lives you have touched and how much we have all appreciated what you had to say and teach. I wish you nothing but the very, very best. Now go enjoy that beautiful family. :)
Savannah

This is so sad! I didn’t read the whole post, I had to skim, because part of me was like “she’s breaking up with us, she’s breaking up with us!” I will go back and read all of it, but I’m really sad to see you go. You’ve been a total inspiration for me. I started reading your blog and I started eating better; I made a pros and cons list two days ago (for going vegan completely) and even though one of the things was worrying about having a vegan pregnancy and a vegan child when I start a family, your example with Waits was just…amazing. You’ve really touched a lot of people. I hope to see you around sometime, Miss Sayward, but not in that creepy >:] we’re both in Portland, I hope to hide behind cars sort of seeing you around…I haven’t had enough coffee yet. You are very much loved by this fan!
Charlotte

Ah, I’m so sorry but understand what you have to do for yourself and your family. Having had both PND and PSTD after the births of my children, I can relate, in part, to how you are feeling. And you have no need to apologise for keeping your struggles from us, some things do not need to be shared on the internet. I shall miss you, my littlest one and your son are the same age. Reading your blog helped me through a rough time post birth and I’m sad to hear that you were suffering right along with me. I haven’t been the best of commenters but I have read every single post on this blog. Makes me sound like a crazy stalker lady, which I’m not. Or am I? Anyway, I’m also resolutely not vegan, so consider it a feat holding my attention for so long. I’ve been inspired, educated, informed and sometimes disagreed with you. Ah, my comment is all over the place, sorry. I hope you find your happiness and contentment and I look forward to your updates on your life elsewhere on the internet.
Kathryn B.

I wish you all the best in whatever your future holds!
http://windycityvegan.wordpress.com Monika {windycityvegan}

I thought I was bummed when Alice left her food blog, but I managed to get over it. I’m just so glad you didn’t also title your last post “final death rattle”. Now, hurry up and read all of these happy/bittersweet comments and start living a blog-free existence! :D
http://claudiapoirier.com Claudia

I am so sorry to hear about your struggles with PPA/PPD. I, too, experienced that and I know it’s no cakewalk. Take the time for yourself because you need it – you need to focus on being healthy for your family and yourself.
Cedar

I’m so glad that you opened up about this all. Your courage is so inspiring to me and your willingness to help others is admirable. I have been reading your blog for a *long* time now. I remember all of your crazy hair colors and you blogging about your wedding. I even remember a post way back when about raves! Yes, that was a long time ago! I’ve been really bad about commenting and making myself “seen” here but have loved popping in and hearing your voice. You’re like a friend to me, even if it is a very one-sided friendship! haha

I had my first child in Feb of last year and have noticed similar symptoms that you described, and they ebb and flow as far as anger is concerned but the anxious feeling remains. I am worried, stressed, overwhelmed and incapable of coping more often than I’m happy to admit. I try to eat as healthy as possible, workout, drink tons of water, but I still feel anxious like this poison is coursing through my body just tainting my day. Slowing down helps and reminding yourself that there are certain things that you don’t HAVE to do. Some things are a must, others can go. I’m a perfectionist too and that can be heavy burden to bear, *especially* as a mom. In the end, medicine helped me the most. It was a reluctant decision but after feeling evened out and centered again for the first time in a long time, it was a good one for me. It’s a temporary fix and I’m hoping that once my hormones cease to be all wonky, it’ll be an easier road. Not to mention my son will be a bit more grown and that (from what I hear) makes things easier. We’ll see, but I’m optimistic! Talking and acknowledging all these things are such crucial steps and they help.

I’ve actually noticed a couple of my favorite blogs going in a similar direction as yours! One went from posting almost every few days to maybe once a month and I think it’s FANtastic. Getting back down to basics can be hard at first but so freeing in the end!

May 2012 be your year of centering yourself and focusing on you and yours!!
One life to live, live it up!

I will miss you. <3

((hugs))
Alej

I wish you to find the balance and the peace you need to fully enjoy your life! Please for now don’t take Bonzai down, there are still posts and recipes I will keep reading and using until we see you back somewhere (I’m really looking forward to your next book!)

Take care xxx
Carey

Your blog is a rare and delightful thing, I’ll miss checking in. I totally get it though and I stopped blogging for similar reasons. The interesting thing about blogging and social media in general is noone shares the real stuff, the hard stuff, the “negative stuff”, there’s this need to keep it bright and positive all the time and that’s not life and that’s too much pressure.
So be happy and don’t worry about it, your real life is where your energy needs to be.
http://www.mynaturallyfrugalfamily.blogspot.com/ Rachel@MyNaturallyFrugalFamily

I feel a deep saddness to read this post. I realize for you and your family this is absolutely the best thing because they need you present. Time is short, and yes you do indeed need to enjoy every minute of it. For Waits alone as he grows after all you won’t be able to have the quality time with him that you have now.
I will greatly miss your posts, quirkly outfits, general musings, and book reviews (you are the reason I have Natalia KW’s cupcake book), and damn I was really looking forward to the book on fermented foods.
That being said I will follow/stalk you on the variety of social media so that I can stay plugged in to what is happening in this new Bonzai world.
It has been a pleasure and a gift to be along for the ride and be so very inspired by your vast knowledge on food. As someone who has gone vegetarian and is almost vegan I looked to your posts for information to educated myself and of course to have a good laugh because you and Damian have (at least what appears) to be a wonderful relationship.
I thank you Sayward for sharing your ups and giving us a peek at your dowsn. May you heal and possibly one day come back to our blog world :)

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