It’s hard to say how I knew. Maybe I didn’t actually know. We had both been unhappy for so, so long. We spent 3 weeks apart and we both felt so much better, and then when we reunited all the anxiety and sadness came back, and that’s when we realized our relationship was making us unhappy. So, we started trying to work on it. We worked really hard for many months. We talked about it almost every day, for hours. We talked very openly and honestly. We tried to game out every solution or scenario about how to change our lives for the better. We talked about ourselves and what we wanted out of life and our personalities and all that stuff. We tried to figure it out. I started seeing a therapist and then eventually we both saw a counselor together.

It was weird, I feel like I was the one driving all of it. I was the one who kind of navigated us all the way to the edge, all the way to the word separation. I wanted to get up right next to it and touch it, to see what it felt like. But I wasn’t ready to step over the line. I wanted to keep seeing the counselor and keep working.

He is the one who decided. One day he was just done. Not angry done, just really resolute done. He wanted out. It was all very clam and loving. So we made a plan from there, and talked a lot more about what separation would look like. We decided to do a three-month trial separation and also we moved from Portland to Santa Barbara.

It was clear for both of us during the trial that it was for the best. We were both so much happier. Looking back now, I see how completely incompatible we are. It was definitely the right decision for us, and for Waits (because we are now happy people and he deserves happy parents).

I don’t know if that helps you at all. I feel like my situation was unique in that we remained on each others’ side the whole time. We never fought and we stayed so committed to the relationship, so it was such an amicable divorce. We are incredibly lucky and that is definitely not the experience that most people have, so I feel like I’m not necessarily the best person to talk to. If I had had a big messy split followed by custody battles and financial fuckery, I might feel differently.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. ♥